Well shit. Here goes:
jumped off the wagon last Saturday at day 35.
There, I said it.
I'm wrestling with where this leaves me now. The evening of beer-guzzling was actually mostly planned and well-thought through. We paced ourselves (hubby and I), and ate lots of food. We talked several times throughout the evening about how we were doing and feeling - surprised that we weren't really enjoying ourselves as much as we hoped. We really enjoyed the first beer or two, but each one after that really didn't do much more for us, but make us feel full and tired. We woke up the next morning, feeling a little less than fresh, but fully committed to reclaiming our spots back on the wagon. Didn't feel guilty, felt empowered about having control over the drinking that night. But each day since Saturday has been harder, like, harder than the first week, and I just know I'm not done with this.
I'm so frustrated and confused now. I KNOW why I slipped up, I exhibited every sign that I would relapse, and did nothing about it. I hadn't been to a meeting in weeks, I hadn't been keeping up with this blog and the Bubble Hour, I hadn't been as faithful at the gym. I was taking the slow dive back down to the bottom of the bottle...and I was welcoming it.
Mostly, I'm still of that mindset. I'm not ready to stay sober forever. And if I'm truly committing to one day at a time, I should be happy with everyday I don't pick up, and not beat myself up about he days I do - especially if they are controlled. I'm just so friggin concerned with what other people think. I've told so many people about my attempt at sobriety - mostly to help hold me accountable - and now I'm ashamed. I wasn't trying to hide the drinking on Saturday - the leftover beer is still in a cooler in our garage, which my 13-yr old daughter saw, and subsequently asked me if I was still sober. She has struggled watching me drink for a long time, and it meant a lot to me to tell her I was trying to get sober - and telling her when I'm having a hard time. I told her I drank - and I cried to her, telling her how very hard it is and how I don't want to let her down. I really hope in her teenage mind she can understand that, and cut me some slack once in a while.
Today is Friday again, and its been a rotten awful week. I've wanted to drink BAD every.single.night. Still I avoided meetings, I did some great housework - power-washing my deck and starting to paint it, splitting and stacking nearly 2 cords of wood, taking some special time with my 3 year old daughter alone at the beach, attempting a sober date night with my husband (which was sober - but I was totally bitchy). Now, its Friday again, and I'm planning a night out bowling with the kids which will hopefully distract me, and tomorrow is a full day ending with the need to cart my teenager around at 10 at night, so that should help too. But I'm going to give in, at some point, I just know it. I feel like I'm about to explode!
I'm starting that whole inner dialogue again - maybe I can moderate, maybe I can just drink on weekends, maybe I can be a responsible non-alcoholic. Lies, lies, lies. Why is it so easy to forget how awful it feels to not remember my nights before? How lifeless and listless and sick I felt nearly every hungover morning? How I would fight with my husband, my children, and say things I would NEVER say sober? How one of my very last "drunks" resulted in me losing my $5000 wedding ring - likely throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle because I was blackout-drunk mad? These things have filled me with unbearable guilt and shame. Put me in a pit I thought I could never get out of - so WHY do I so desperately want to bury myself in it again?
I'm a strong, smart fucking woman! I was an honors and deans list student. I got pregnant at 19 and left the father to be a single mother when my daughter was 9 weeks old. I spent 6 years building an amazing life on my own. Bought my first house by myself at 26 as a single mother. Have climbed the ranks quickly at every job and have been well liked and recognized for my work ethic and charisma. I work my best under pressure. I'm married to an amazing man, my true love without a doubt, but we are blended family with 3 kids and its so HARD! But we maintain a relationship that my peers wish for themselves. I've done this. I've built this. WHY cant I do this ONE THING?!
This inner dialogue is gonna be the death of me. I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to me. Not the first, and not the last. One more day...
Friday, May 8, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Weekend #5 (this post is bitchy, sorry)
Day 4 - weekend #5
This week has had it's ups and downs, as they all have, but I can't help but be surprised at how much my perception is changing every day and every week.
My first week sober I felt (awful) inspired. I felt like I was connecting with my emotional self on some weird spiritual level - very introspective. Week 2 and 3 I committed to attending lots of different meetings, immersed myself in recovery education and really affirmed myself as an alcoholic (in case there was ever any doubt!). Weeks 4 and 5 have been a bit more about discovery. Pushing a slight bit out of my comfort zone and testing my reactions. I attended my first after-work outing, at a bar, with my fellow drinking buddies, but 2 out of the 5 refrained from drinking, which made it so much easier. I felt a little weird though. I felt boring. I felt like I had nothing to talk about. I felt like I had lost some of my signature pizzaz! I tried to figure out what the drinking-me did differently. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old, in which some drinks were being passed around. again - BORING. Didn't even know what to say to fellow drinking friends. What the hell do I talk about EXCEPT the fact that Im not drinking (it seems to consume me most of the "social" time) I became a bit of a wallflower and left early.
I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my husband, who took the day off from work, and arranged the same for me, to go shopping and spend a beautiful spring day walking around Boston. I admitted when he told me these plans that this felt a bit of a trigger for me. It was Red Sox opening day, we have visited Boston many times, these days would normally be punctuated with a stop into every 4th bar we happened across to try a signature cocktail, laughing at our fun day-drinking selves. We had lunch in a BAR where everyone was drinking and watching the game - and I mean EVERYONE - and it took about 40 minuted for us to even get our diet Cokes! ...sometimes I wonder how I even survive!
We have begun a massive amount of spring clean up in our yard. This was definitely a drinking task - many a 30-rack have disappeared on such productive days (followed by many nights I cant quite remember). This was WAY harder than I expected it to be. Who would have thought that such a busy, sweat-inducing task would make me long for beer so bad that i would count it as one of the hardest parts?!
My hubby invited friends over last weekend for a brush fire - our first fire without booze...HOW do people do this? Survive living in the sticks doing such mundane outdoor tasks without alcohol? And why on EARTH did my husband invite friends over to boot? To witness the suffering??? They brought beer, but abstained for our benefit, and inevitably left early since we couldn't stop working long enough to hang out, lest the cravings might kill us. In retrospect, it could have been worse.
Last night I hosted a healing circle and psychic reading at m house with a great group of women friends and family. I asked ahead f time that it be alcohol free - which no one seemed to mind. I got so many comments on how quiet I was. NOT me! I think I actually got a little less out of the evening because I couldn't find any words to speak...I had nothing interesting to say!
Further more my sister was there, who I know knows that I am currently not drinking, and didnt say a word to me about it. Why? I expected questions, maybe praise. This has been such a big deal for that part of my family: "Penny is the youngest, the cutest, the thinnest, but she is a drunk! Pffft!" I choose to think they are avoiding me now because they don't have enough to pick on me for. And now THAT is pissing me off!
Tomorrow we are attending a bonfire at a friends house. We will be working on their yard work most of the day, and celebrating a birthday into the evening where the drinks will be a'plenty. My anxiety is ramping up.
I admit this post turned into a bit more of a bitch-fest than I anticipated. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this whole quitting thing hasn't been that hard...and maybe as a WHOLE it's ok, but some days, minutes and hours are just friggin torture.
I must also admit I haven't been to meetings in 2 weeks, I've only been to the gym twice, I've been eating chocolate chip cookies like they are the very last food on earth, I'm having my period and my sex-life is dwindling. and its only 8:40am... <insert encouraging words here...>
Point is, I'm making it. Just barely some days....but I am making it. Night zero sounds really appealing - but day 1 sounds like a complete failure. Here's to one more 24-hours.
This week has had it's ups and downs, as they all have, but I can't help but be surprised at how much my perception is changing every day and every week.
My first week sober I felt (awful) inspired. I felt like I was connecting with my emotional self on some weird spiritual level - very introspective. Week 2 and 3 I committed to attending lots of different meetings, immersed myself in recovery education and really affirmed myself as an alcoholic (in case there was ever any doubt!). Weeks 4 and 5 have been a bit more about discovery. Pushing a slight bit out of my comfort zone and testing my reactions. I attended my first after-work outing, at a bar, with my fellow drinking buddies, but 2 out of the 5 refrained from drinking, which made it so much easier. I felt a little weird though. I felt boring. I felt like I had nothing to talk about. I felt like I had lost some of my signature pizzaz! I tried to figure out what the drinking-me did differently. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old, in which some drinks were being passed around. again - BORING. Didn't even know what to say to fellow drinking friends. What the hell do I talk about EXCEPT the fact that Im not drinking (it seems to consume me most of the "social" time) I became a bit of a wallflower and left early.
I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my husband, who took the day off from work, and arranged the same for me, to go shopping and spend a beautiful spring day walking around Boston. I admitted when he told me these plans that this felt a bit of a trigger for me. It was Red Sox opening day, we have visited Boston many times, these days would normally be punctuated with a stop into every 4th bar we happened across to try a signature cocktail, laughing at our fun day-drinking selves. We had lunch in a BAR where everyone was drinking and watching the game - and I mean EVERYONE - and it took about 40 minuted for us to even get our diet Cokes! ...sometimes I wonder how I even survive!
We have begun a massive amount of spring clean up in our yard. This was definitely a drinking task - many a 30-rack have disappeared on such productive days (followed by many nights I cant quite remember). This was WAY harder than I expected it to be. Who would have thought that such a busy, sweat-inducing task would make me long for beer so bad that i would count it as one of the hardest parts?!
My hubby invited friends over last weekend for a brush fire - our first fire without booze...HOW do people do this? Survive living in the sticks doing such mundane outdoor tasks without alcohol? And why on EARTH did my husband invite friends over to boot? To witness the suffering??? They brought beer, but abstained for our benefit, and inevitably left early since we couldn't stop working long enough to hang out, lest the cravings might kill us. In retrospect, it could have been worse.
Last night I hosted a healing circle and psychic reading at m house with a great group of women friends and family. I asked ahead f time that it be alcohol free - which no one seemed to mind. I got so many comments on how quiet I was. NOT me! I think I actually got a little less out of the evening because I couldn't find any words to speak...I had nothing interesting to say!
Further more my sister was there, who I know knows that I am currently not drinking, and didnt say a word to me about it. Why? I expected questions, maybe praise. This has been such a big deal for that part of my family: "Penny is the youngest, the cutest, the thinnest, but she is a drunk! Pffft!" I choose to think they are avoiding me now because they don't have enough to pick on me for. And now THAT is pissing me off!
Tomorrow we are attending a bonfire at a friends house. We will be working on their yard work most of the day, and celebrating a birthday into the evening where the drinks will be a'plenty. My anxiety is ramping up.
I admit this post turned into a bit more of a bitch-fest than I anticipated. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this whole quitting thing hasn't been that hard...and maybe as a WHOLE it's ok, but some days, minutes and hours are just friggin torture.
I must also admit I haven't been to meetings in 2 weeks, I've only been to the gym twice, I've been eating chocolate chip cookies like they are the very last food on earth, I'm having my period and my sex-life is dwindling. and its only 8:40am... <insert encouraging words here...>
Point is, I'm making it. Just barely some days....but I am making it. Night zero sounds really appealing - but day 1 sounds like a complete failure. Here's to one more 24-hours.
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