Day 35 ... +6

Well shit. Here goes:
jumped off the wagon last Saturday at day 35.
There, I said it.

I'm wrestling with where this leaves me now. The evening of beer-guzzling was actually mostly planned and well-thought through. We paced ourselves (hubby and I), and ate lots of food. We talked several times throughout the evening about how we were doing and feeling - surprised that we weren't really enjoying ourselves as much as we hoped. We really enjoyed the first beer or two, but each one after that really didn't do much more for us, but make us feel full and tired. We woke up the next morning, feeling a little less than fresh, but fully committed to reclaiming our spots back on the wagon. Didn't feel guilty, felt empowered about having control over the drinking that night. But each day since Saturday has been harder, like, harder than the first week, and I just know I'm not done with this.

I'm so frustrated and confused now. I KNOW why I slipped up, I exhibited every sign that I would relapse, and did nothing about it. I hadn't been to a meeting in weeks, I hadn't been keeping up with this blog and the Bubble Hour, I hadn't been as faithful at the gym. I was taking the slow dive back down to the bottom of the bottle...and I was welcoming it.

Mostly, I'm still of that mindset. I'm not ready to stay sober forever. And if I'm truly committing to one day at a time, I should be happy with everyday I don't pick up, and not beat myself up about he days I do - especially if they are controlled. I'm just so friggin concerned with what other people think. I've told so many people about my attempt at sobriety - mostly to help hold me accountable - and now I'm ashamed. I wasn't trying to hide the drinking on Saturday - the leftover beer is still in a cooler in our garage, which my 13-yr old daughter saw, and subsequently asked me if I was still sober. She has struggled watching me drink for a long time, and it meant a lot to me to tell her I was trying to get sober - and telling her when I'm having a hard time. I told her I drank - and I cried to her, telling her how very hard it is and how I don't want to let her down. I really hope in her teenage mind she can understand that, and cut me some slack once in a while.

Today is Friday again, and its been a rotten awful week. I've wanted to drink BAD every.single.night. Still I avoided meetings, I did some great housework - power-washing my deck and starting to paint it, splitting and stacking nearly 2 cords of wood, taking some special time with my 3 year old daughter alone at the beach, attempting a sober date night with my husband (which was sober - but I was totally bitchy). Now, its Friday again, and I'm planning a night out bowling with the kids which will hopefully distract me, and tomorrow is a full day ending with the need to cart my teenager around at 10 at night, so that should help too. But I'm going to give in, at some point, I just know it. I feel like I'm about to explode!

I'm starting that whole inner dialogue again - maybe I can moderate, maybe I can just drink on weekends, maybe I can be a responsible non-alcoholic. Lies, lies, lies. Why is it so easy to forget how awful it feels to not remember my nights before? How lifeless and listless and sick I felt nearly every hungover morning? How I would fight with my husband, my children, and say things I would NEVER say sober? How one of my very last "drunks" resulted in me losing my $5000 wedding ring - likely throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle because I was blackout-drunk mad? These things have filled me with unbearable guilt and shame. Put me in a pit I thought I could never get out of - so WHY do I so desperately want to bury myself in it again?

I'm a strong, smart fucking woman! I was an honors and deans list student. I got pregnant at 19 and left the father to be a single mother when my daughter was 9 weeks old. I spent 6 years building an amazing life on my own. Bought my first house by myself at 26 as a single mother. Have climbed the ranks quickly at every job and have been well liked and recognized for my work ethic and charisma. I work my best under pressure. I'm married to an amazing man, my true love without a doubt, but we are blended family with 3 kids and its so HARD! But we maintain a relationship that my peers wish for themselves. I've done this. I've built this. WHY cant I do this ONE THING?!

This inner dialogue is gonna be the death of me. I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to me. Not the first, and not the last. One more day...