Weekend #5 (this post is bitchy, sorry)

Day 4 - weekend #5
This week has had it's ups and downs, as they all have, but I can't help but be surprised at how much my perception is changing every day and every week.

My first week sober I felt (awful) inspired. I felt like I was connecting with my emotional self on some weird spiritual level - very introspective. Week 2 and 3 I committed to attending lots of different meetings, immersed myself in recovery education and really affirmed myself as an alcoholic (in case there was ever any doubt!). Weeks 4 and 5 have been a bit more about discovery. Pushing a slight bit out of my comfort zone and testing my reactions. I attended my first after-work outing, at a bar, with my fellow drinking buddies, but 2 out of the 5 refrained from drinking, which made it so much easier. I felt a little weird though. I felt boring. I felt like I had nothing to talk about. I felt like I had lost some of my signature pizzaz! I tried to figure out what the drinking-me did differently. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old, in which some drinks were being passed around. again - BORING. Didn't even know what to say to fellow drinking friends. What the hell do I talk about EXCEPT the fact that Im not drinking (it seems to consume me most of the "social" time) I became a bit of a wallflower and left early.

I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my husband, who took the day off from work, and arranged the same for me, to go shopping and spend a beautiful spring day walking around Boston. I admitted when he told me these plans that this felt a bit of a trigger for me. It was Red Sox opening day, we have visited Boston many times, these days would normally be punctuated with a stop into every 4th bar we happened across to try a signature cocktail, laughing at our fun day-drinking selves. We had lunch in a BAR where everyone was drinking and watching the game - and I mean EVERYONE - and it took about 40 minuted for us to even get our diet Cokes! ...sometimes I wonder how I even survive!

We have begun a massive amount of spring clean up in our yard. This was definitely a drinking task - many a 30-rack have disappeared on such productive days (followed by many nights I cant quite remember). This was WAY harder than I expected it to be. Who would have thought that such a busy, sweat-inducing task would make me long for beer so bad that i would count it as one of the hardest parts?!

My hubby invited friends over last weekend for a brush fire - our first fire without booze...HOW do people do this? Survive living in the sticks doing such mundane outdoor tasks without alcohol? And why on EARTH did my husband invite friends over to boot? To witness the suffering??? They brought beer, but abstained for our benefit, and inevitably left early since we couldn't stop working long enough to hang out, lest the cravings might kill us. In retrospect, it could have been worse.

Last night I hosted a healing circle and psychic reading at m house with a great group of women friends and family. I asked ahead f time that it be alcohol free - which no one seemed to mind. I got so many comments on how quiet I was. NOT me! I think I actually got a little less out of the evening because I couldn't find any words to speak...I had nothing interesting to say!

Further more my sister was there, who I know knows that I am currently not drinking, and didnt say a word to me about it. Why? I expected questions, maybe praise. This has been such a big deal for that part of my family: "Penny is the youngest, the cutest, the thinnest, but she is a drunk! Pffft!" I choose to think they are avoiding me now because they don't have enough to pick on me for. And now THAT is pissing me off!

Tomorrow we are attending a bonfire at a friends house. We will be working on their yard work most of the day, and celebrating a birthday into the evening where the drinks will be a'plenty. My anxiety is ramping up.

I admit this post turned into a bit more of a bitch-fest than I anticipated. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this whole quitting thing hasn't been that hard...and maybe as a WHOLE it's ok, but some days, minutes and hours are just friggin torture.

I must also admit I haven't been to meetings in 2 weeks, I've only been to the gym twice, I've been eating chocolate chip cookies like they are the very last food on earth, I'm having my period and my sex-life is dwindling. and its only 8:40am... <insert encouraging words here...>

Point is, I'm making it. Just barely some days....but I am making it. Night zero sounds really appealing - but day 1 sounds like a complete failure. Here's to one more 24-hours.