As I grew up, I can always remember my sisters calling me selfish. Even into adulthood they still tend to make this remark about me, albeit back-handedly. Personally, it gets at me. I don't like this label. I don't understand it either. Ive always felt they only said this about me because I was the baby of the family, and seemingly "spoiled", but I don't understand how this label followed me into adulthood. I think my husband has even taken up the term here or there.
The dictionary states:
selfish [sel-fish] adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
I do not agree.
If I had to describe myself as a teenager, well, then that definition likely applied to the fullest extent. Having a teenage daughter myself now is a clear testament to me that I was, in fact, selfish. The caveat being that I believe most teenagers are this way, as merely a part of their ignorance and lack of experience in the "real world".
As an adult though, I snub this comment. I think I am a "carer" - scratch, I KNOW I am a carer! I am forever in battle with myself about what other people think and feel, how can I help them through a difficult time, putting myself constantly in the shoes of others...bleeding heart, to a fault. I love volunteering, committing myself to an understanding that we never know what another person is going through, and try to never pass judgement. I would describe myself as hard working, driven, outspoken, outgoing, a perfectionist, a little OCD, a lover, a fighter, loyal, honest, over-acheiver, spotlight seeker...but selfish? No.
As I have aged, I like to think I am becoming a little selfish, however. As a single mother at the ripe age of 20, I worked my ass off to be a great mother, self-sufficient by all means. After leaving my daughters father when she was 9 weeks old, I moved in with my parents for a mere 6 months before I got my own place, managed never ending court battles with her father, climbed the ladder at my full time job, and rarely went out. When I turned 26 I started looking for and bought my first house, by myself! I met my husband shortly after that and everything just seemed to fall into place. I knew very quickly that he was "the one", fell desperately in love, let him move in and slowly gave up some of the responsibility I had eagerly harbored for 6 years alone. He was capable, and I was happy to have a break. We've been together 8 years this month, and slowly, Ive learned to lean on him a lot more in order to take better care of myself - be a little bit selfish and get back to doing some of the things I love. I love reading, gardening, cooking, watching mindless reality TV shows, and drinking. I love drinking.
Also, as I mentioned in a previous post, I have a self-proclaimed "addictive personality". When I enjoy something, I ENJOY it, to the max. And man do I enjoy drinking. I have a pretty bad anxiety disorder and have battled depression in and off in my life since I was a teenager. Drinking is like self-medicating. No doctor appointment or prescription needed. In fact this medicine is available everywhere, any time of day, and certainly in no short supply in my home. I buy wine by the case and by the box (cause I'm classy, duh) Cant even remember the last time I bought beer in anything smaller than a 30-pack, and even then the local convenience store could expect to see me twice a week - refueling. Drinking calms me after a hectic day, rewards me after a productive one. Drinking reduces my anxiety about everything - dealing with my kids, dinner, a messy house, bath time, any and all of the mundane daily tasks which are necessary to keep a household. Drinking reduces my anxiety about being social, hanging with friends or family, or strangers, even better! You know what else drinking does for me? Helps me be selfish. Yup. I feel some selfish right of indignation once I get through a glass or two. Its helps me accomplish my tasks and chores with fervor! And after the first couple drinks, it helps me sit down and do nothing, precisely what I want, me-me-me-me-me!
NOTE: I'm using present tense here, but I am not, in fact, drinking right now. I am 13 days sober actually, but really I'm just getting thorough the day. Present tense is still true as I talk about my love for alcohol. It is an abusive relationship, but I don't wanna break up...so right now, me and the bottle, we are just separated. And that's all I can commit to right now.
But back to selfishness. My addictive personality says well Penny, if you're going to give up one thing you had better replace it with another. I am currently addicted to my sobriety. OK, not really even mine, I'm addicted to everyone else's too! I'm going to AA meetings and listening, I'm reading books, watching documentaries, subscribing to blogs and listening to podcasts in nearly all my free time. Im soaking up resources like a sponge. Im arming myself with knowledge, hoping that if I become smarter, it will be safer, eaiser to quit.
Something else Ive learned in this obsessive nearly two weeks of sober life, is there is a LOT of emphasis on being selfish during your recovery. *GASP*! Selfish?! The very nature of being a drunk is selfishness. Its put me and my feelings of fake euphoria above my children, my family, my social life, my education and sometimes my job. And in recovery, they want me to continue to put myself first? Seems like a raw deal to everyone else...but FINALLY, I have a good excuse to be selfish :)
Here are a few reminders of how I can and should be selfish right now, to stay the course:
- Plan your days around a meeting - Ive entered every meeting within a 30 mile radius into my personal calendar, and have visited 5 different meetings already
- K.I.S.S. - keep it simple stupid! IM not going to try and do too much during this time. Sobriety needs to be my priority.
- Sit with your feelings - Im recognizing my emotions, rational or not, and I'm feeling them, and trying to take some comfort in the fact that I can feel them.
- HALT: Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, Tired - before I react or overreact, assess whats real
Sincerely,
Selfshly sober
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